Moderation is the shits. I have only worked like 40 hours since camp ended in August. Zero this week. But my daze of underemployment are over. I’ll work about 60 hours next week at two jobs.
To cheer me up, Matt Miller forwarded me this journal his friend Ryan Pederson emailed out to his buddies during the period of time after he was laid off during summer 2002. I highly encourage anybody who wants to know what I’ve been up to read it….Ryan’s humor is absolutely delightful. If you like his writing, check out this site..
“While You Were At Work”
a journal by Ryan Pederson
DAY 1
9:45am – woke up….on the couch. wow.
10:30-11:45am – played sim city 3000. my town has a
population of roughly 25,000 people right now. i’m
good.
11:45-12:15pm – watched the upholstery guy clean the
coffee stain i created on roommate’s car seat. $59
coffee spill. ouch. also, was told to apply for a
job with his carpet cleaning company. now, i’ve
cleaned carpets in the past, and it sucks holy ass. i
can’t even imagine the mood i’d be in every night
knowing that i have a college degree, but i cleaned
carpets with that guy all day long.
12:15-12:30pm – shower. still haven’t gotten the
smell of unemployment off.
12:30-4:00pm – this time frame is amazingly a
blur…and it ended only an hour and a half ago. i
imagine i played around online, played more sim city,
and sat out on my deck.
4:00-4:45pm – time to get my tax money sucking ass
outside. walked to walgreens. men, you know where
all the women are? walgreens at 4:30pm on a monday.
really.
5:00pm – well, this is the end of day 1. wow. only
about a month of these left.
sleep tight.
ryan.
DAY 2
10:30am – woke up. why is this wrong? my alarm,
which was set for 6:30am, was on for a good reason-a
“ride for hunger” marketing committee meeting.
subconsciously, i must not have found this
worthwhile….so, i turned it off in my sleep. that’s
okay, john said all i did was miss a bunch of hippies
talking.
10:45am – called to file for unemployment. after 18
minutes of holding, someone finally helps me. sort
of. his first words, after the very loud alarm i
heard were: “hold on”….followed by a click.
11:10am – let’s give it another shot…called to file
for unemployment. hey, only 14 minutes of hold time,
upon which i was told that i probably won’t receive
any money until july 19. what’s with you freakin’ tax
payers?
11:35am – watched the maintenance guy fix the bathroom
sink, which was filled with my roommate’s dirty
underwear water from the day before. she had cleaned
them with woolite. mmmmmm, dirty underwear water.
poor guy. is it weird that he took a jar of it home?
just wondering.
12:00pm – did some necessary “personal
grooming”, if you know what i mean. new scissors!
12:10pm – shower. what time did all of YOU shower
today? i thought so.
12:45pm – various online “this and that’s” in
addition to some sim city. i may very well have
created the world’s best city to live in. that is IF
you work for an auto glass company and/or auto parts
warehouse and you like to visit the statue of liberty,
the art museum in chicago, and various other world
landmarks that i can’t recall the name of. good times
in cheap town.
1:30pm – laundry. normally, i do it next door, where
there is only one washer and one dryer (and several,
aesthetically pleasing rat traps), but since my
roommate is out of town, i have the extreme luxury of
heading to the laundromat with his vehicle. so its
off to my old stomping grounds, queensberry laundry.
roll call at the laundromat: one laundromat operator
(whom, i must say, has put on a good 25lbs since i saw
him last), one very annoying laundromat assistant, one
old lady (whom, overheard, was being paid $5 to do
someone’s laundry), and one wounded dalmatian. very,
very sad, and there i was.
3:00pm – more email. damn, you guys don’t do much
work during the day, do you? 😉
4:00pm – sim city. is there a support group for this?
4:15pm – finally, something fairly productive:
researched moving truck options. finally, i can
utilize an over-used cliche: “i’m in the wrong
business”. yikes.
4:45pm – happy birthday wes ashe
(wesley_c_ashe@keybank.com – 207.874.7283 – go ahead,
wish him a happy belated.)
5:00pm – started preparing my dinner. pork topped
with stir fried peppers, onions, and mushrooms.
i have to say, much more productive than yesterday.
one side note: i’m watching, at most, about 1/2 hour
of television. not bad.
DAY 3
8:30am – woke up…in a 97 degree bedroom. gross.
8:45am – 9:15am – put laundry away. look at me, look
at me…i’m being productive.
9:30am – updated my resume on monster.com. at this
point, i have officially done more than all of the
account reps. at GR will do today…collectively.
10:15am – 11:30am – set up an apartment viewing in
minneapolis, scheduled an informational interview, and
sent out two resumes. there is no joke here. i’m not
fucking around.
11:45am – holy SHIT its hot. seriously. should i be
sweating THERE?
12:00-12:20pm – shower….with the door open to help
with the heat. i think my roommate came home during
this, saw i was showering with the door open, and
left. hmmmmm.
12:45-1:30pm – grocery store. for the first time
ever, i think i looked at every single product in the
freezer isle….twice. those freezer stockers have it
made. i smell employment opportunity….or maybe
that’s me.
1:45pm – frozen burrito lunch topped with salsa and
sour cream. i’ve eaten this meal a hundred times, and
today may have been the last. let’s just say it
doesn’t take long for sour cream to warm up.
2:30-5:00pm – watched “i am sam”….paused several
times to bitch to myself about the heat. my
apartment…it smells….beefy.
tomorrow, movie and drinks (and more heat).
ps: if you haven’t noticed by my bitching, i hate the
heat.
DAY 4
Day 4’s rundown was cancelled due to rain.
DAY 5
9:30am – woke up. slightly hurting. drinky drinky.
9:45-11:00am – online. no porn though. seriously.
11:15am – 1:45pm – cleaned the schmegma out of the
apartment. i totally man-handled the place. i
cleaned places that aren’t even there. nobody but me
is allowed in this apartment for at least a few days.
2:00pm – cleaned the schmegma off ye olde self. no
porn.
2:45pm – ate reheated pork chops (see a couple of days
ago – dinner) and chatted online while eating
aforementioned meat.
3:15pm – went to take the garbage out, go to the
mailbox, and head to the video store. walked out of
the apartment, shut door, THEN realized i didn’t have
my keys. locked. i’m the only one home until sunday.
hmmmmmm. well, i’ve seen several movies in my life,
so i did what they do….i kicked the bleepin’ thing
in. no kidding. it worked…on the 4th try, but it
worked. this by far was my favorite part of the day.
3:45pm – walked to mailbox (where i mailed a necessary
unemployment form!) and to the video store (returned
“i am sam” and “not another teen movie”, rented “61*”
and “the man who wasn’t there”). i will watch these
in my boxers by myself, thankyouverymuch.
4:20pm – wrote this. weird huh?
4:30pm-5:00pm – caught up on my magazine reading. i’m
pretty sure that’s what i’m going to do, anyway.
thank God the weekend is here. i’m exhausted.
DAY 6
hope everyone had a great weekend.
8.45am – woke up. didn’t want to, but i have a
responsibility to fulfill for this country. how’d
that sound?
9.00 – 10:00am – online. looked for jobs, read
articles on monster, and voted three times for johnny
damon and andruw jones to make the all-star team.
interestingly enough, i had my first cup of coffee
(hot coffee) since being laid off today. it was hot.
it’s hot outside. bad idea.
10:15am – shower. cold.
10:45am – went to put a load of laundry in, but some
hussy was using the machine. so, i beat her up and
threw her lifeless body into the trees between the
brookline village and longwood T stops. i think. i
was blacked out. that might have been another time
with other girls.
11:15am – finally got clothes in. like a nice guy, i
waited for hers to be finished. plus, if its a
stranger’s pair of underwear, i like to clean them
before i sniff ’em.
11:45am – 1:30pm – watched the movie “61*”. good.
2:00pm – more job research. oh, and i got the mail.
playboy came today. “women of enron”. hmmmm.
2:30pm – 3:45pm – sat on deck reading. ahhhhh.
4:00pm – beer run. the store is out of corona. “eets
too damn hot.” says the middle eastern liquor store
guy. yes. yes, it eee’s too damn hot, i say to
myself.
4:30pm – writing this. from now on, it will be the
future.
4:35pm – 5:00pm – deck. with my heineken….and the
enron ladies on my mind.
DAY 7
10:00am – woke up with sweet georgia on my mind.
10:15am – 11:30am – online. everybody that matters is
on vacation. did YOU work today?
11:45am – shower. naked.
12:00pm – thought i’d try something today. i put my
t-shirt in the freezer for half an hour. man, did
that feel good when i put it on, but it only lasted
for about 15 seconds. tomorrow, i may dip it in water
first. tomorrow could be the beginning of a whole new
world for me.
12:45pm – made some lunch. tuna sandwhiches on white.
i’m white.
1:05pm – 4:00pm – watched sox game in my underwear.
Sox 2, Jays 1. loooooooooooou.
4:15pm – 4:30pm – wandered around in a daze.
heat….everywhere.
day over.
DAY 8, 9 & 10 abridged
hey, folks:
got a little behind because i went up to maine for the
4th. here’s a little summary of the last few work
days.
day 8 (wednesday): decided last minute to head to
portland for the weekend. chose to take the bus
instead of the train this time around, and let me tell
you, i was lucky i did because i got to watch “kate &
leopold” on the way up. that meg ryan is SO
versatile. she can play a pouty, fiesty, fragile
woman in ANY movie.
day 9 (friday): nothing interesting.
day 10 (yesterday): nothing interesting.
exciting, eh?
regular updates will continue starting today. i can
tell you’re all excited.
JULY 10
9:30am – woke up. realized that, baby, i was born to
rock.
10:30am – 12:00pm – online. searched for jobs, of
course. also pondered the state of major league
baseball. i’m not kidding, its getting kind of
serious. bud selig (the commish) is a sweaty scrotum.
in fact, from now on, i’d like to designate that
moniker for bud selig and bud selig only. sweaty
scrotum will forever be interchangable with bud selig
and vice versa. you with me? i’m with me. would you
fuck me? i’d fuck me.
12:30-2:00pm – washed clothes. how old am i getting
when i get pissed because the college kids next door
are trashing the place? does this automatically
happen at a certain age? i can’t help it. the place
looks f’in horrible. i’d like to make another
designation: 54 kent street in brookline village will
now be know as scrotumville. i think mr. sweaty
scrotum should pay a visit.
2:30pm – showered. ate lunch-reheated red beans and
rice. yikes. maybe i should’ve showered AFTER i ate
that?
3:00pm-4:00pm – more online job searching and
emailing. i may start offering to be paid in canadian
dollars.
4:10pm – typed this email.
4:30pm – off to play softball. i’m slightly better
than a couple of the girls….and the semi-retarded
guy. slightly.
JULY 11
9:45am – woke up. as usual, i woke up to WBZ 1030am,
which i actually called in to last night. should
augusta national (golf course in georgia) be allowed
to discriminate against women because it is private?
i think so. private women’s colleges are allowed to,
right (i.e. simmons collge which is only women for
undergrad)? what about private all girls catholic
high schools? end of discussion. go home. thanks
for playing.
9:50am – stepped down from my soap box.
10:15-11:45am – looked online for jobs and apartments
in minneapolis. minneapolis is in minnesota. i’m not
from minnesota, but i did live there when i was
younger. i’m moving there because i want to. yes, it
is very cold there in the winter. no, i won’t put
lotion on you there. these are the answers to some of
the questions i have been asked since deciding to
move.
12:00 – 12:15pm – for some reason, a small lake has
formed on the bottom shelf of our fridge. the freezer
is still frozen, and nothing appears to be dripping
from up above. i’m not exactly sure what to do, and
i’ve misplace my time life home improvement books.
our only relief….the liquid is clear. and
tasteless….so i scooped it up and put it in the
brita.
12:30pm – ate some fresh strawberries. this really
has no significance.
1:00pm – emailed with a former client of mine to get a
professional reference. even he made fun of certain
unnamed people (MANAGEMENT) at my most recent place of
employment. but, hey, what do we know? he only PAID
for the services, and i only PROVIDED them.
1:45pm – showered. i used soap.
2:30 – 4:00pm – online. i have listened to a ton of
cds today. including “appetite for destruction”. its
sooooo good. you know what else is good? the kahlua
and milk i’m drinking right now. and saturdays.
saturdays are good.
4:15pm – starting typing this.
4:30 – 5:00pm – going to prepare dinner. pork chops.
they’ve been marinating in the fridge for two days.
trichnosis or not, i’m eating them. i live on the
edge. remember, i was born to rock.
JULY 19
(yes i know the date on yesterday’s newsletter was
wrong. /)
theme of the day: little people.
9:30am – woke up.
9:45 – 11:45am – online. listened to sports talk
radio while i was online today. who are these guys?
no, seriously, i don’t know their names.
11:55am – got a very disturbing email from a past boss
of mine describing her welted ass.
12:00-12:30pm – used my free newspapers 😉 to pack up
my glassware for the big move. pretty much thought
about the welted ass for this half hour.
12:45pm – oh, the horror. found out that the 2003
national conference for little people will be held
right outside of boston, in danvers, next year.
(http://www.angelfire.com/ri2/lpadistrict1/) you
gotta be kidding me. just my luck. i move away, and
now i’ll miss the most scrumptious photo opportunity
i’d ever have in my life. i am going to form a
committee in minneapolis to try and get this
conference held there. is this possible? can you
imagine? makes me wanna go weeeeeeeeeeeeee.
1:00pm – if you can believe it, someone (ART. it was
ART) questioned my knowledge of the simpson’s. wow.
bring it on, bitch. bring it on.
1:15pm – worried that my unemployed ass is heading in
the opposite direction of my shrinking bank account, i
frantically tried on my suit pants to make sure they
fit for my interview next week. they fit. oh, wait,
i forgot, i can’t get fat. bring on the kahlua and
milk, baby.
1:25pm – finally got the images of the welted ass out
of my head.
2:00pm – here’s an idea: buy a book on amazon.
they’re cheap and its ALWAYS quite a bit below the
cover price. then, when you get it, sell it at
half.com. they list the books based on the cover
price. price it a bit below cover, and make a profit.
that’s what i did. i smell business opportunity.
2:10pm – post office to mail aforementioned book.
what a deal. also, i’d like to take this time to
apologize to all brookline village citizens that are
unable to get a boston phoenix. i need them for
packing. sorry.
3:45pm – finally….breakfast/lunch. two bowls of
bart simpson cereal. and to my unbelievable,
pant-shitting delight, i opened the boston phoenix to
find an article on little people. wow….what are the
odds? weeeeeeeeeeee. i bet little people do that a
lot…..weeeeeeeeeeeeee.
4:15pm – typed this. i just typed weeeeeeeeeeeee.
4:30pm – time to call maintenance, AGAIN. the puddle
in the bottom of the fridge, which i have already
called about, and i have affectionately named “lake
fridgidair” has come back. everything is wet. its
strange.
have a great weekend.
