“While You Were At Work”

0310011Wednesday, October 1, 2003

Moderation is the shits. I have only worked like 40 hours since camp ended in August. Zero this week. But my daze of underemployment are over. I’ll work about 60 hours next week at two jobs.

To cheer me up, Matt Miller forwarded me this journal his friend Ryan Pederson emailed out to his buddies during the period of time after he was laid off during summer 2002. I highly encourage anybody who wants to know what I’ve been up to read it….Ryan’s humor is absolutely delightful. If you like his writing, check out this site..

“While You Were At Work”

a journal by Ryan Pederson


9:45am – woke up….on the couch. wow.

10:30-11:45am – played sim city 3000. my town has a

population of roughly 25,000 people right now. i’m


11:45-12:15pm – watched the upholstery guy clean the

coffee stain i created on roommate’s car seat. $59

coffee spill. ouch. also, was told to apply for a

job with his carpet cleaning company. now, i’ve

cleaned carpets in the past, and it sucks holy ass. i

can’t even imagine the mood i’d be in every night

knowing that i have a college degree, but i cleaned

carpets with that guy all day long.

12:15-12:30pm – shower. still haven’t gotten the

smell of unemployment off.

12:30-4:00pm – this time frame is amazingly a

blur…and it ended only an hour and a half ago. i

imagine i played around online, played more sim city,

and sat out on my deck.

4:00-4:45pm – time to get my tax money sucking ass

outside. walked to walgreens. men, you know where

all the women are? walgreens at 4:30pm on a monday.


5:00pm – well, this is the end of day 1. wow. only

about a month of these left.

sleep tight.



10:30am – woke up. why is this wrong? my alarm,

which was set for 6:30am, was on for a good reason-a

“ride for hunger” marketing committee meeting.

subconsciously, i must not have found this

worthwhile….so, i turned it off in my sleep. that’s

okay, john said all i did was miss a bunch of hippies


10:45am – called to file for unemployment. after 18

minutes of holding, someone finally helps me. sort

of. his first words, after the very loud alarm i

heard were: “hold on”….followed by a click.

11:10am – let’s give it another shot…called to file

for unemployment. hey, only 14 minutes of hold time,

upon which i was told that i probably won’t receive

any money until july 19. what’s with you freakin’ tax


11:35am – watched the maintenance guy fix the bathroom

sink, which was filled with my roommate’s dirty

underwear water from the day before. she had cleaned

them with woolite. mmmmmm, dirty underwear water.

poor guy. is it weird that he took a jar of it home?

just wondering.

12:00pm – did some necessary “personal

grooming”, if you know what i mean. new scissors!

12:10pm – shower. what time did all of YOU shower

today? i thought so.

12:45pm – various online “this and that’s” in

addition to some sim city. i may very well have

created the world’s best city to live in. that is IF

you work for an auto glass company and/or auto parts

warehouse and you like to visit the statue of liberty,

the art museum in chicago, and various other world

landmarks that i can’t recall the name of. good times

in cheap town.

1:30pm – laundry. normally, i do it next door, where

there is only one washer and one dryer (and several,

aesthetically pleasing rat traps), but since my

roommate is out of town, i have the extreme luxury of

heading to the laundromat with his vehicle. so its

off to my old stomping grounds, queensberry laundry.

roll call at the laundromat: one laundromat operator

(whom, i must say, has put on a good 25lbs since i saw

him last), one very annoying laundromat assistant, one

old lady (whom, overheard, was being paid $5 to do

someone’s laundry), and one wounded dalmatian. very,

very sad, and there i was.

3:00pm – more email. damn, you guys don’t do much

work during the day, do you? 😉

4:00pm – sim city. is there a support group for this?

4:15pm – finally, something fairly productive:

researched moving truck options. finally, i can

utilize an over-used cliche: “i’m in the wrong

business”. yikes.

4:45pm – happy birthday wes ashe

(wesley_c_ashe@keybank.com – 207.874.7283 – go ahead,

wish him a happy belated.)

5:00pm – started preparing my dinner. pork topped

with stir fried peppers, onions, and mushrooms.

i have to say, much more productive than yesterday.

one side note: i’m watching, at most, about 1/2 hour

of television. not bad.


8:30am – woke up…in a 97 degree bedroom. gross.

8:45am – 9:15am – put laundry away. look at me, look

at me…i’m being productive.

9:30am – updated my resume on monster.com. at this

point, i have officially done more than all of the

account reps. at GR will do today…collectively.

10:15am – 11:30am – set up an apartment viewing in

minneapolis, scheduled an informational interview, and

sent out two resumes. there is no joke here. i’m not

fucking around.

11:45am – holy SHIT its hot. seriously. should i be

sweating THERE?

12:00-12:20pm – shower….with the door open to help

with the heat. i think my roommate came home during

this, saw i was showering with the door open, and

left. hmmmmm.

12:45-1:30pm – grocery store. for the first time

ever, i think i looked at every single product in the

freezer isle….twice. those freezer stockers have it

made. i smell employment opportunity….or maybe

that’s me.

1:45pm – frozen burrito lunch topped with salsa and

sour cream. i’ve eaten this meal a hundred times, and

today may have been the last. let’s just say it

doesn’t take long for sour cream to warm up.

2:30-5:00pm – watched “i am sam”….paused several

times to bitch to myself about the heat. my

apartment…it smells….beefy.

tomorrow, movie and drinks (and more heat).

ps: if you haven’t noticed by my bitching, i hate the



Day 4’s rundown was cancelled due to rain.


9:30am – woke up. slightly hurting. drinky drinky.

9:45-11:00am – online. no porn though. seriously.

11:15am – 1:45pm – cleaned the schmegma out of the

apartment. i totally man-handled the place. i

cleaned places that aren’t even there. nobody but me

is allowed in this apartment for at least a few days.

2:00pm – cleaned the schmegma off ye olde self. no


2:45pm – ate reheated pork chops (see a couple of days

ago – dinner) and chatted online while eating

aforementioned meat.

3:15pm – went to take the garbage out, go to the

mailbox, and head to the video store. walked out of

the apartment, shut door, THEN realized i didn’t have

my keys. locked. i’m the only one home until sunday.

hmmmmmm. well, i’ve seen several movies in my life,

so i did what they do….i kicked the bleepin’ thing

in. no kidding. it worked…on the 4th try, but it

worked. this by far was my favorite part of the day.

3:45pm – walked to mailbox (where i mailed a necessary

unemployment form!) and to the video store (returned

“i am sam” and “not another teen movie”, rented “61*”

and “the man who wasn’t there”). i will watch these

in my boxers by myself, thankyouverymuch.

4:20pm – wrote this. weird huh?

4:30pm-5:00pm – caught up on my magazine reading. i’m

pretty sure that’s what i’m going to do, anyway.

thank God the weekend is here. i’m exhausted.


hope everyone had a great weekend.

8.45am – woke up. didn’t want to, but i have a

responsibility to fulfill for this country. how’d

that sound?

9.00 – 10:00am – online. looked for jobs, read

articles on monster, and voted three times for johnny

damon and andruw jones to make the all-star team.

interestingly enough, i had my first cup of coffee

(hot coffee) since being laid off today. it was hot.

it’s hot outside. bad idea.

10:15am – shower. cold.

10:45am – went to put a load of laundry in, but some

hussy was using the machine. so, i beat her up and

threw her lifeless body into the trees between the

brookline village and longwood T stops. i think. i

was blacked out. that might have been another time

with other girls.

11:15am – finally got clothes in. like a nice guy, i

waited for hers to be finished. plus, if its a

stranger’s pair of underwear, i like to clean them

before i sniff ’em.

11:45am – 1:30pm – watched the movie “61*”. good.

2:00pm – more job research. oh, and i got the mail.

playboy came today. “women of enron”. hmmmm.

2:30pm – 3:45pm – sat on deck reading. ahhhhh.

4:00pm – beer run. the store is out of corona. “eets

too damn hot.” says the middle eastern liquor store

guy. yes. yes, it eee’s too damn hot, i say to


4:30pm – writing this. from now on, it will be the


4:35pm – 5:00pm – deck. with my heineken….and the

enron ladies on my mind.


10:00am – woke up with sweet georgia on my mind.

10:15am – 11:30am – online. everybody that matters is

on vacation. did YOU work today?

11:45am – shower. naked.

12:00pm – thought i’d try something today. i put my

t-shirt in the freezer for half an hour. man, did

that feel good when i put it on, but it only lasted

for about 15 seconds. tomorrow, i may dip it in water

first. tomorrow could be the beginning of a whole new

world for me.

12:45pm – made some lunch. tuna sandwhiches on white.

i’m white.

1:05pm – 4:00pm – watched sox game in my underwear.

Sox 2, Jays 1. loooooooooooou.

4:15pm – 4:30pm – wandered around in a daze.


day over.

DAY 8, 9 & 10 abridged

hey, folks:

got a little behind because i went up to maine for the

4th. here’s a little summary of the last few work


day 8 (wednesday): decided last minute to head to

portland for the weekend. chose to take the bus

instead of the train this time around, and let me tell

you, i was lucky i did because i got to watch “kate &

leopold” on the way up. that meg ryan is SO

versatile. she can play a pouty, fiesty, fragile

woman in ANY movie.

day 9 (friday): nothing interesting.

day 10 (yesterday): nothing interesting.

exciting, eh?

regular updates will continue starting today. i can

tell you’re all excited.


9:30am – woke up. realized that, baby, i was born to


10:30am – 12:00pm – online. searched for jobs, of

course. also pondered the state of major league

baseball. i’m not kidding, its getting kind of

serious. bud selig (the commish) is a sweaty scrotum.

in fact, from now on, i’d like to designate that

moniker for bud selig and bud selig only. sweaty

scrotum will forever be interchangable with bud selig

and vice versa. you with me? i’m with me. would you

fuck me? i’d fuck me.

12:30-2:00pm – washed clothes. how old am i getting

when i get pissed because the college kids next door

are trashing the place? does this automatically

happen at a certain age? i can’t help it. the place

looks f’in horrible. i’d like to make another

designation: 54 kent street in brookline village will

now be know as scrotumville. i think mr. sweaty

scrotum should pay a visit.

2:30pm – showered. ate lunch-reheated red beans and

rice. yikes. maybe i should’ve showered AFTER i ate


3:00pm-4:00pm – more online job searching and

emailing. i may start offering to be paid in canadian


4:10pm – typed this email.

4:30pm – off to play softball. i’m slightly better

than a couple of the girls….and the semi-retarded

guy. slightly.


9:45am – woke up. as usual, i woke up to WBZ 1030am,

which i actually called in to last night. should

augusta national (golf course in georgia) be allowed

to discriminate against women because it is private?

i think so. private women’s colleges are allowed to,

right (i.e. simmons collge which is only women for

undergrad)? what about private all girls catholic

high schools? end of discussion. go home. thanks

for playing.

9:50am – stepped down from my soap box.

10:15-11:45am – looked online for jobs and apartments

in minneapolis. minneapolis is in minnesota. i’m not

from minnesota, but i did live there when i was

younger. i’m moving there because i want to. yes, it

is very cold there in the winter. no, i won’t put

lotion on you there. these are the answers to some of

the questions i have been asked since deciding to


12:00 – 12:15pm – for some reason, a small lake has

formed on the bottom shelf of our fridge. the freezer

is still frozen, and nothing appears to be dripping

from up above. i’m not exactly sure what to do, and

i’ve misplace my time life home improvement books.

our only relief….the liquid is clear. and

tasteless….so i scooped it up and put it in the


12:30pm – ate some fresh strawberries. this really

has no significance.

1:00pm – emailed with a former client of mine to get a

professional reference. even he made fun of certain

unnamed people (MANAGEMENT) at my most recent place of

employment. but, hey, what do we know? he only PAID

for the services, and i only PROVIDED them.

1:45pm – showered. i used soap.

2:30 – 4:00pm – online. i have listened to a ton of

cds today. including “appetite for destruction”. its

sooooo good. you know what else is good? the kahlua

and milk i’m drinking right now. and saturdays.

saturdays are good.

4:15pm – starting typing this.

4:30 – 5:00pm – going to prepare dinner. pork chops.

they’ve been marinating in the fridge for two days.

trichnosis or not, i’m eating them. i live on the

edge. remember, i was born to rock.


(yes i know the date on yesterday’s newsletter was

wrong. /)

theme of the day: little people.

9:30am – woke up.

9:45 – 11:45am – online. listened to sports talk

radio while i was online today. who are these guys?

no, seriously, i don’t know their names.

11:55am – got a very disturbing email from a past boss

of mine describing her welted ass.

12:00-12:30pm – used my free newspapers 😉 to pack up

my glassware for the big move. pretty much thought

about the welted ass for this half hour.

12:45pm – oh, the horror. found out that the 2003

national conference for little people will be held

right outside of boston, in danvers, next year.

(http://www.angelfire.com/ri2/lpadistrict1/) you

gotta be kidding me. just my luck. i move away, and

now i’ll miss the most scrumptious photo opportunity

i’d ever have in my life. i am going to form a

committee in minneapolis to try and get this

conference held there. is this possible? can you

imagine? makes me wanna go weeeeeeeeeeeeee.

1:00pm – if you can believe it, someone (ART. it was

ART) questioned my knowledge of the simpson’s. wow.

bring it on, bitch. bring it on.

1:15pm – worried that my unemployed ass is heading in

the opposite direction of my shrinking bank account, i

frantically tried on my suit pants to make sure they

fit for my interview next week. they fit. oh, wait,

i forgot, i can’t get fat. bring on the kahlua and

milk, baby.

1:25pm – finally got the images of the welted ass out

of my head.

2:00pm – here’s an idea: buy a book on amazon.

they’re cheap and its ALWAYS quite a bit below the

cover price. then, when you get it, sell it at

half.com. they list the books based on the cover

price. price it a bit below cover, and make a profit.

that’s what i did. i smell business opportunity.

2:10pm – post office to mail aforementioned book.

what a deal. also, i’d like to take this time to

apologize to all brookline village citizens that are

unable to get a boston phoenix. i need them for

packing. sorry.

3:45pm – finally….breakfast/lunch. two bowls of

bart simpson cereal. and to my unbelievable,

pant-shitting delight, i opened the boston phoenix to

find an article on little people. wow….what are the

odds? weeeeeeeeeeee. i bet little people do that a


4:15pm – typed this. i just typed weeeeeeeeeeeee.

4:30pm – time to call maintenance, AGAIN. the puddle

in the bottom of the fridge, which i have already

called about, and i have affectionately named “lake

fridgidair” has come back. everything is wet. its


have a great weekend.

Thanks for reading!


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